Nostalgia
by Aster
Summary: What was running through Scully's mind after Mulder's abduction?


I know I have told Mulder that loneliness is a choice, but not in this case. Here I sit idly by on my couch mindlessly flipping through channels on the television, because the newest storm that has decided to roll in, coupled with restlessness has thrashed me from my slumber. I never knew that losing someone would have such an impact on me, but I guess it's whom I have lost. Weeks after his abduction, I borrowed a few objects from his apartment to place within mine. One is the indian blanket wrapped tightly around my shivering body, which I now cannot live without. I actually look forward to coming home after work and curling up in the fetal position on my couch with my favorite momento. 

For a few days after losing him, I spent the night either on his couch or bed; taking in his scents that I so dearly miss. Now I find my heart aches even if I attempt to utter his name. Mulder. Such a simple two-syllable word, yet to me, it means the world. My thoughts are cut short by another crash of thunder followed by a strike of lightning. I was never lonely until I met Mulder, or so I thought. My days before the X-Files were filled with friends, dates, and meeting relatives. Movies and shopping trips were also frequent ways that I wasted my time. As soon as I joined Mulder's quest, I became so obsessed, though I do not like to say so. Obsessed with the man, or the work I'm still not sure of. I was, and am, so intrigued by his tenacity and temerity toward every case that has ever been officially or unofficially dropped in his lap. It's probably the cause of my obsession. After a few moments pass without another thought, I realize that my hands are wet. Immediately, I turn my head toward the ceiling to search for a crack, but then realize that I'm in an apartment building. I bring one solitary finger upon my cheek, and realize that I have been crying. It doesn't surprise me much anymore, for, I have been doing so ever since that fateful night, though only in the confines of my home. I do not dare show anyone how much this is killing me inside. Every morning, I see a change in myself; not just in apperances, but in my soul. 

My need and will to find Mulder increases, and I fear that I will wear myself down, or go crazy; whichever decides to surface first. I pray everyday, but not to have a higher force help me find my partner, but to Mulder directly. I feel everyday that he is getting closer to me, yet, he seems so very far away. Nightmares of his abduction play through my mind every night now, and I am becoming afraid to sleep. I cannot determine if what I see is what is really happening to him, but I just want them all to stop. But perhaps it's scarier if they do. Before I realize it, I'm sobbing, and my body is violently shaking. Every night I go through the same thing; wishing Mulder would come back, and thinking up all the worse-case scenerios. I'm at a loss as to how to find him, or whom to trust in order to do so. I cannot do this alone, but I'm so afraid. I'm afraid of never being able to find Mulder. I'm afriad that I will indeed be alone for the rest of my life. I'm afraid of picking up the phone for a chance that it might be a coroner, or Skinner to give me horrible information. As a result of the stress and sobbing daily, I have exausted myself so completely that I fall asleep. I fear for the child growing within me, but, Mulder knows I'd do anything for him, even if it meant sacrificing my only chance at motherhood. He wouldn't be happy, but if he knew what I dealt with everyday, and the baby's life was at stake, Mulder would look me lovingly in the eyes and tell me that everything would be alright. His long, warm arms would envelope me and wash away the troubles plaguing me. Perhaps that's why I enjoy his blanket so much. It smells and the feels as if he's right here next to me. 

Just as I thought I had my crying under control, I begin to weep again, because I remember why it is I miss and love Mulder. I miss the way he'd call me late at night for a case, or how he'd sometimes leave his porn tapes in our office. I miss his boyish smile, and the way his eyes twinkled when he was about to say something clever. I miss the way he'd show up at my apartment with no reason but to watch a movie or talk. I miss the way he'd crinkle up his nose when he didn't understand my science babble and even the little things like the way he knoted his tie. A smile suddenly takes the place of my tears, for I know deep within my being, my soul that Mulder will return, and I will be the one to free him from his purgatory. I will be his savior as he had so many times been for me. I'll build the arc, and all he'll need to bring is the animals.

~~~~~~~


End file.
